Category: Leftovers

Today is National Waffle Day.  Tomorrow is International Waffle Day.  Which one do I celebrate?

NEVER EVER! Serve a person that knows their Cajun and Creole cooking red beans and rice made with canned beans.

Some would argue (and rightfully) that there should be no can opening for red beans period. The recipe varies from cook to cook and family to family. Some with tomato products, some not so much. To open the beans though is just beyond lazy. Exactly how much exertion does it take to cover dried beans with water and stick them in the fridge over night? I have to believe that the can o’bean user also does that boil in bag rice. Wow, white starchy rodent droppings. Just whets my appetite.

While I am on my tirade of wrong names, (I am not sure if it is really cooking anyway) I will address Graham Elliot’s version of “Texas Style Chili”. I don’t care if he has 4 stars or not. There are NO BEANS in Texas Chili. It is a rule. No corn, no rice, no potato, no turnips (yeah, I saw that one time), no hominy, or macaroni. EVER! Seriously, if he had served that in an official Texas Chili Cook Off, it would have been disqualified or lynched.

Chef Elliot can call it Chicago Style, Memphis Style, New England Style or even California Style but not Texas Style. I have enjoyed many a bowl of chili with the above stuff (not so much the turnip) and they were just fine. They just were not Texas Chili.

It is all regional I know. Try to tell people that New England, Manhattan, and Boston Clam chowders are all the same. They are very unique and the rules are different for each. Mixing them together does not mean a bad product but it just has to be Clam Chowder and not specific.

About 4 times a year this comes up. How to eat ice cream. Let first say I am not a big sweets eater. Never have been. Second, my ice cream brand choices are Amy’s and Blue Bell. Both fine Texas brands. Amy’s has twice the fat but it sure is good. Blue Bell does offer a double churn which is just a marketing thing. It means more air.

Moving along, eating said item. It is usually sold in several sizes and is appropriate for several service sizes for women.

The scoop: I just wanted to have vanilla

The ½ pint: I am a little hormonal.

The pint: More hormones.

Applicartions for the above sizes

The scoop: Milk chocolate

The ½ pint of chocolate with chocolate jimmies aka sprinkles: He is a jerk.

The pint of milk chocolate with dark, extra dark, white chocolate chips and chocolate syrup: Pity party.

To properly enjoy the ice cream, there is a dress code.  A sloppy t-shirt (not his for the pint or larger size) and flannel pants.

Equipment and service pieces. A spoon and a damp wash cloth (not tissues used during the ½ pint or above tears).

How many servings are in each container? This totally depends on if the lady is watching a chick flick, texting the ex and sitting next to her commiserating BFF. If a BFF is present, each lady should have her own spoon, container, tissues, attire and aloe infused tissues.

Guys just don’t know the etiquitte of eating ice cream. I have tried to educate.

I have come up with a new acronym.  V.I.N.O..  Vegetarian in name only.  Can’t say how many times I have cooked a meal and the customer has been a VINO.  These are actual experiences of mine in the kitchen.  FOH has to note on the ticket specific dietary requirements.

Examples:  I am a vegan,  I’ll have the Caesar salad with extra dressing and parm.  I want the porta shroom with extra mayo.  It is along those lines.  I just makes me giggle.  Funny by far?  The lady that could not eat eggs or cheese,  but ordered the whites only omelette with American cheese.  Does the VINO really think that they are impressing their friends?  Do they honestly believe their friends are that daft?

I suppose that if making a PBJ is outside your culinary comfort zone
http://markonefoods.com/

I was working as a Sous in this place in Boerne. Long commute and other stuff but here is one of the things that I found quite humorous.

We hired a prep cook. He was around 16 and his previous experience was working at the local Sonic. After his first week, we had invested in around 8 boxes of band-aides just for him.

Moving along, I told him to peel some carrots and then I would show him how to dice them. So far so good? Naw. There he stood at the cutting board, 10 lbs of carrots to one side and a hotel pan to the other. He grabbed a knife and stared at the carrots. I could see the look of dread on his little face. He looked at the knife in his hand. Back to the carrots. A look over to the band-aides. Then to me.

I gave him a peeler and showed him how to use it. Yes. Poor little kid. Ya know he was thinking the worst. Nope, I did not show him how to dice the carrots. Somehow, he managed to peel his thumb at one point. His duties were changed.

Why I don’t hate Vegetarians and Vegans

First off, I find the human forms great fodder for jokes. Second, animal vegans are enjoyed  grilled, poached, fried, baked, roasted, braised, and some of them in their raw form.

Let me rail on the human form. They come to the restaurant and eat the cheap stuff and pay full price. LOVE IT! When I was at LCB, one of my classmates was a vegan and made sure she took every opportunity to tell others about it. Omnivores were evil. She stated that she would rather wear shoes made from human skin than animal. Statements like that. I would just shake my head and think, kid, WRONG culinary school.

So anyway, she was on one of her tirades against the Omni’s. She finally said what I had waited so patiently to hear from her unenlightened mind. “I don’t eat anything with a face”. I could have been mature and taken the high road but no. It just jumped out of my mind and activated my vocal chords. So, you don’t uh… on your boyfriend?

She didn’t bring up her food style choice in my presence again. For some reason, she made a concerted effort to avoid me. I later used the same statement on a vegan friend. He really bends that whole vegan thing though.

The true Vegans? I shall speak on that as well. Let me start with chickens. They eat poo. They also eat grains and I have yet to see a chicken spit out a piece of corn that had a worm on it. The typical vegan land animal eats bugs all the time. Oh and our cud eating cow? Until someone clued to the whole using bone meal as feed, cattle were pretty much cannibals.

Pigs are different. Like humans, they eat anything including their own. OUCH! Didn’t think of your food like that? It is, in the short and not so sweet.

Shall I move on to fish. Oh yes Team Kembers! Enlighten your minions. Talapia. YUCK. That is pretty much all I can say about them. They are used to clean the catfish farms. More poo eaters. Crustaceans? More poo and decaying vegetation and rotting debris. I still appreciate the commercial fishermen. Hey, people want to eat the catch.

I would like to state again that I really do hold a certain reverence to the animals that we eat. I love all animals and feel it is my obligation as a Chef to treat them well. A can of cream of mushroom soup over the beasties is just cruel.

It amazes me.  I see this stuff at the HEB. Sardinian Music Bread. The package is 1 pound and sells for 14.00 US. HUH?!!!! It looked kinda familiar but not quite.

I looked it up just to find out what it was and why on Earth it would be so expensive. OH good gravy. It is basicly pita bread. I found a recipe for the music bread. Uh, well I am thinking that unless the bread comes with the bare-breasted Sardinian virgins that made it, no way I am paying that much for bread. What is in it? 1.5 cups each all purpose and semolina flour, yeast, some water and a pinch of salt.

There was a moment of temptation though. I wanted to get my lawn chair and park it by the display to see who (and later ask them WTF) would buy it.

Saw that some speghetti-o’s were recalled. They should all be recalled. It is nasty stuff. Ever notice the distinct canned pet food odor when opening it? A quick survey of 4 of my Chef buddies found that we agree. It is SHI*.   One stated that the parents that feed their children that garbage should be jailed.  Four of my friends that are parents, also agree that it is trash. *

My personal feeling is that if you feed your kids that crap, don’t bitch about the quality of the nursing home later on. Oh please, I really don’t want to hear (or read) any garbage about that it is cheap (yeah, it IS cheap) or convenient. Uh huh. Convenient? How?

A good cook works wonders with very little and waste is a heart breaker. A cook that really can’t cook is Rachel R. Nuff said. Naw, I will re-visit her again. Along with others.

* Yes, I shall address the MRE and MRI stuff at a later date.

I love all animals so I shall not entertain any sort of disrespect of their treatment.  Not even those that are sources of food.  It matters not if it is the milk we get or the meat.  I totally care and only give thanks to the beasts that give us nourishment.

To my little 4 legged friends.  Thank you and I strive to do you justice.

A pig is one of those multi-tasking animals.  Bacon, chops, loin, and on.  It has been said that you can eat it snout to tail and if you could catch the squeal, you would eat that too.  Ponder that a while.